Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
