I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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