he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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