Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
