that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
