I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
