I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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