Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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