Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
jump out the window naked night went bad
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