hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
