Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
