He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
