You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
