My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
