I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
