I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
