I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
