Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
