I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
