were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
