I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
