The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
