hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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