remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
