I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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