I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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