JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
