Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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