WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
