Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
