so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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