In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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