dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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