Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
