This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
