I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
