You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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