Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
