Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
