I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
