Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
