My friends, they love my intelligence
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
