My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
