Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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