I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
