Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
