I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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