the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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