i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
