In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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