I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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