Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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