Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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